With another year almost over, Ethan stood before the mirror finishing his hair and reflecting back on the wild ride that had been 2009. Reaching into the medicine cabinet, he pulled out a mild blend of narcotics and sedatives, to help him relax. Looking backward, the year almost seemed to have been some sort of dream. It were almost as if any second he would awake, to find this had been some kind of prolonged dream, one that was at last over. He couldn't help but think of Marcel, as he turned off the washroom light and began putting on his coat and scarf. After what had seemed to be a reconciliation months earlier, the lines of communication had fallen deafeningly silent. Marcel had contacted Ethan once more in late autumn, but this had been strictly online. It were as if Marcel was just wanted to keep track of Ethan, to know what he was doing. It had simply been a series of questions, and an apology for leaving so abruptly again in September. There was no talk of a relationship, and Ethan had ended the conversation quickly, as he had needed to leave for work. Although the brutality of the recession was still roaring, Ethan had managed to secure a temporary form of employment, customer service, to keep the bills paid. This was highly demotivating, and the paycheque even harder to accept. He had needed to remind himself, daily, that this was a temporary situation, to get him through until he did find something in his field. As he locked the door, Ethan left the house, his mind still reflecting the past year, and headed for the train station. He was going home, to the peacefulness of the country, to start a new year with his family.

Victoria ran back and forth between her bedroom and the washroom, trying to put the finishing touches on her look for the evening. This was going to be a big night for her, indeed! Things had developed between her and Peter; deep things, that frightened as well as elated her. She had refrained from introducing him to her family, as she had done in the past. If she were to bring another man into her world, that deeply, it had to be something concrete. Peter had more than proved himself to be both a man who appreciated her, and loved her for who she was. As wonderful as things had been between Victoria and Dimitri, as far as she had fallen, the feeling here was so drastically different with Peter. She felt at ease, loved, valued, and above all: secure. The time had come, finally, for her to remove her wall completely, and bring Peter into her world. He would escort her to a small gathering her sister, Kathy, was hosting to celebrate the transition into 2010. Victoria found herself feeling nervous. She worried that this would somehow change things, and that the relationship may change once this next bridge had been crossed. Of course, this was foolish. If anything, Peter meeting her family would bring them closer together, and have Victoria one step closer to the partnership she had always dreamed of. As Victoria pinned in the last piece of hair into her exquisite up-do, the doorbell sounded. Running to the door, she opened it to see Peter. A bright smile illuminated her face, as she pulled him in for a long embrace. He looked so handsome, all dressed up, clearly nervous as well. This was a big night for both of them. Putting on her coat, and turning off the light, the two left arm in arm, and made their way to the car.

Arriving at the door of the house where he grew up, Ethan rang the doorbell and anxiously waited for his mother to answer. A light rain was falling; not at all typical for this time of year in Ontario. As the door opened, Ethan was so relieved to see his mother's face. It was a grounding moment for him. For Ethan, so much time is spent in his mind; replaying old events, dreaming up the future he wants and needs to be happy, it sometimes is difficult for him to simply enjoy the present. Being home, interacting with his mother, it brought him out from his deepest thoughts, and back into reality. As the evening passed, and they dined on a selection of finger foods, wine, and spirits, Ethan tried his best to relax. They talked and reflected on the year that was about to come to an end, and both agreed it had been a trying time. They laughed about the flood in the spring which had filled the lower level of the estate with the frigid waters of late March. Ethan remembered this well; he had been home tending to his mother after her surgery at the time. For Ethan; however, 2009 had been so much more than a simple flood, or a challenging recession. It was a year he had fallen so far, and although he somewhat had control, at least in this moment, he was so close to the edge, anything could be enough to push him over. He was, after all, still reliant on narcotics and sedatives just to remain functional. Ethan had lost a lot over the last year: Marcel, his career, and his self-confidence. The time had arrived for him to reclaim his life; if only he knew where to start. With less than an hour remaining in 2009, the two cracked open another bottle of wine, and waited in anticipation to welcome in a new year, and hopefully, a fresh start.

Victoria rang the doorbell, and excited to finally be introducing Peter to her family. As the door opened, and Kathy appeared, a look of surprise was on her face. "Peter?" she said.

"Kathy?" Peter replied. "Oh my goodness, what are you doing here?"

"I live here, this is my apartment." Kathy replied. Victoria looked profoundly confused.

"You two know each other?" Victoria asked.

"Kathy's husband is my stepbrother" Peter answered; clearly uncomfortable. An awkward silence filled the air. As Kathy motioned the two to enter, she and Victoria exchanged a glance, and neither could believe what was happening. It's true that Peter was not related by blood to anyone in the room, but, at the same time: this was a bit too close for comfort. Victoria and Peter made their way to the living room, to join the other guests. The look of surprise on Kathy's husband's face when he saw Peter walk in with Victoria said it all. All this time, all the conversations with Victoria about the man she had fallen so far in love with, even using his name; none of them had connected the dots. Being step brothers, the two men did not see each other often, and as such, Victoria could not have possibly known. "So, this is a little surprising" Peter finally said, trying to break the awkwardness.

"Yes, but it's not a bad thing at all, I'm just glad to see the two of you happy" Kathy responded, smiling softly. It was clear that she too was uncomfortable with the situation, but what could be said at this point?

"We really are happy" Victoria said; continuing: "This is certainly a shock, I think, for everyone. At least we know we have good taste in men" Victoria stated to Kathy. Everyone laughed. It was quite clear that no one in the room was comfortable; however, no one dared to say so. It was, after all, new year's eve.

No matter where in the Eastern time zone one was, the last ten seconds of 2009 resulted in an audible countdown. From Montreal, to Toronto, New York and beyond, this part of the world raised their glasses ready to end the year that had been, and start anew. Even the earth was about to embark on a full 365 day trip around the sun. As the last seconds counted, screams could be heard both near and far. It was here. 2009, a year that had ruined so many, was officially over. Confetti filled the skies in all the major cities, fireworks illuminated the darkness. A full moon, shining down from the skies, which hopefully indicated abundance lit the hearts of everyone who saw it. Raising his glass, Ethan toasted his champagne with his mother, and the two exchanged a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. Several hundred kilometres away; Victoria, Kathy, Peter, and everyone at the party raised their glasses. Shouting out "happy new year!", they all went from to person to person kissing each other on the cheeks, exchanging smiles, hugs, and wishing each other all the best for the coming year. They had made it; each and every one of them. That alone was cause for celebration. Victoria excused herself for a moment, and went into the hallway to her handbag. She and Ethan had drifted apart during 2009, but she wanted to send him a text message to wish him a happy new year. Pulling out her phone, she could hardly believe it. There was a message from Ethan already waiting for her!

"Happy new year, love". After replying, Victoria returned to the party. Looking over at Peter, and still feeling slightly uncomfortable, Victoria tried to focus on the other emotion she felt: hope. A new year had started; a clean slate. The canvas was bare, and it would be up to her to create something beatiful. And she would, she decided. This year: she definitely would.

Preview from tomorrow's episode: Isabella is back, and we will see how things resolved between her and Stephanie. Also: Victoria has a tough choice to make, when Peter makes her an offer!


© X_MEDIA 2010

Comments? Feel free to leave a comment below.

Ethan jumped in anticipation as his phone rang, knowing it was Marcel. As he said "hello", a familiar voice greeted him, and his worries melted away at once. How could he possibly have any worries, hearing this voice which was the only comfort he had come to accept? This was all he ever dreamed of, and he listened intently as Marcel spoke. Details of his day, the delay on the transit coming home due to a strike; completely meaningless details that Ethan was all but too happy to hear. His love was back, and once again, they were sharing their lives. The important things, and the mundane details of the day. Both of them, combined, formed a well rounded and healthy conversation, allowing both men to relate to one another on such a deep level. Ethan, in return, shared the details of his day with Marcel. The jog, the incredible humidity along the lake as he'd sat there, and the boring details of the house chores he'd completed. This was incredible. Listening to each other; relating to one another's world, and living their lives as one. This was how it had been once, and it seemed, it was returning to this state of bliss, that both had missed incredibly since the end of their relationship. Ethan felt whole again, and Marcel seemed to once again be the man Ethan had fallen in love with. With the nightmare behind them, they would be able to carry on with their lives; dreaming, planning, and living out the partnership of their dreams.

Victoria sat smiling, as she looked across the table at Peter. It had been hours, and as they sat in the coffee shop talking, it had become abundantly clear that there was most certainly a chemistry between them. Peter seemed, in every way, to be everything that Victoria was looking for in a man. Charming, confident, sweet, and a good sense of humour. There were some things about him that were less than ideal for Victoria, but they were certainly nothing she could not overlook. His last relationship, had been very serious, and lasted for years. He, and his ex-girlfriend, had a child together. Their relationship, at the time, had seemed to be one that would last forever. Was Victoria ready to become a stepmother? Not really, but her emotional desires were so much more complex than that. She, too, had many things in her history that were less than ideal for a partner. She had so many ex-boyfriends, with such long stories to tell about each. She had left home, to live with a man years ago without completing high school. This choice, haunted her still, as it restricted so many options for her in her present. None of this seemed to matter with Peter. The conversation between them flowed so naturally, that it were as if he understood her every desire, fault, goal, and wish. And she, in turn, understood him too. As the minutes passed, seemingly at record breaking speed, they were getting to know each other so deeply, and intimately, it was almost strange. Both felt extremely comfortable talking, and information from both sides was being freely exchanged. This feeling was so unexpected for Victoria, as only hours earlier, she had grown extremely introverted and bitter toward opening herself up to men. The hurt from Dimitri was so fresh, it seemed unimaginable to possibly let another man in, and open herself up to hurt. Yet, with Peter, it happened so naturally, it was nearly impossible to resist. And with this strange feeling over comfort engulfing both of them, they continued to talk, and the scene was set. Something was forming between them.

Ethan lay in the backyard of his house on a towel, soaking in the beautiful sunshine. The fog had lifted, and the heat and humidity were wonderful. He was so pale compared to normal, with the summer having been unusually cold and overcast. The phone, resting next to him, had fallen silent, as Marcel had to go out to run some errands. This, again, left Ethan time to think, and try to process everything that was happening. Things were moving so fast, and although, logically, he knew he should slow it down, a part of him did not want to. This was what he had been wanting all this time. Marcel back in his life; that feeling of closeness that only true love could provide. This fear within him though, continued to make itself known, even through all the good things that were happening between them. Ethan had become conditioned to expect the worst with Marcel, knowing that at any moment, things could simply change, and become his worst nightmare from the sweetest dream. Could it be, perhaps, that it was Ethan who was crazy and unstable? He had been miserable without Marcel; a constant ache in his heart. And now, with Marcel now back in his life fully, things should be resolved, and he should be enjoying every moment. But this fear was preventing him from experiencing this happiness to the fullest. Was it justified? Was it fair for him to base his current circumstance with Marcel, on his historical behaviour? Or was this a cruel paranoia that would threaten the chance of them having the happiness that they both seemed to want with each other, and so badly deserved? Whatever the case was, Ethan knew: he would need to conceal his concerns from Marcel. To bring up the past, to voice his fears and concerns would only bring about the certainty of them coming true. Rolling over, on to his stomach, Ethan rested his head on his arm as the sun caressed his skin, and he slowly drifted off into sleep.

Isabella stepped off the tram after a morning of errands and shopping, and made her way toward home. She as at peace, finally, knowing that she had found a new apartment, and would have a place to stay at the end of the month. This stress of looking for new accommodation had been getting to her, and she had not had much time to herself, or time to spend with Gary. Once this move was behind her, it would be a fresh start. She was moving to an area of the city she adored, and that alone would give her a better feeling when she returned home each night. And once settled in, it would provide easier access to Gary, as they would not be far apart. as she entered her apartment, she packed away the things she had purchased, and began to do some household cleaning. Going through the living room, vacuuming, she noticed the light on her phone was flashing. There was a message. Turning the vacuum off, she made her way over to the machine and pressed play. She was certain it would be Gary calling to check in on her, and listened eagerly for the sound of his voice. Her heart began to race as the message began to play. "Mom, it's me. I'm in some trouble, and I've been arrested. I'm at the main station downtown, please come as soon as you can. I've made a huge mistake and don't know how to fix this. I know you hate me, but I need you right now. Please come as soon as you can. I'm scared". Isabella's face grew hot, and her body trembled. She could not imagine what Stephanie could have possibly done now, and was almost afraid of the answer. Frantically throwing some things into her handbag, she left her apartment, and made her way back to the tram stop. The world seemed to be surreal, as her mind raced, wondering what she would be walking in on, when she arrived at the police station. Her daughter, a girl she loved so much, was seemingly in an endless downward spiral, and with each of these events, Isabella died a little more inside. She felt as though she had failed as a mother. Failed both Stephanie, and herself.

The phone pressed to his ear, Ethan lay in bed listening to Marcel talk. Marcel, being six hours ahead, was preparing to bring his day to a close, and drift away for the night. The conversation had been lighthearted so far, and Ethan was trying not to listen to the concerns ever present deep within him. Marcel began to grow quiet, and Ethan wondered if he was feeling tired, or if something was bothering him. "I've been thinking, Ethan, I am ready to move to Toronto and be with you. I want us to get married, and live the life we've dreamed of together" Marcel finally said. Ethan grew silent. This was not something he was ready for; not even close. This was way too fast, and way too soon. Yes, they had a history together, and certainly had all the feelings required. But that same history, clouded in darkness, made Ethan feel afraid to simply jump into a life with Marcel, without taking things slowly and seeing what they could build together.

"Marcel, I love you, and I do want to be with you. But I need some time. It's been so long since you've been in my life, and looking back at all we've been through, I think jumping into something this serious, head first, could spell disaster for us. We need to build something together again, take our time, rekindle that fire we once had. We can't just simply go on as if nothing has happened."

"You don't love me, and want me there with you?"

"Of course I do, but it's just I need time to adjust to all this, and we both need time for things to become comfortable".

"I need to be with you. I am tired of us waiting, and putting things off. We're soul mates, and deserve to be together".

"Yes, we are, but at the same time, we have a history Marcel. We need to rebuild things together, slowly, and in our own time. This is a big decision, we can't rush it".

"There's nothing to decide, either you want to be with me, or you don't".

"I do Marcel, but I think we should take this slow. We need time".

"All we've done is wait. It's time to either do this, or not".

"We will do this, but we need time to get things back to the level we once had". Ethan replied, beginning to feel a knot in his stomach.

"I give up, Ethan. I don't know what game you're playing, but I can't do this. You love me, you say, but you don't want to be with me. I guess that says it all".

"Marcel? Hello; Marcel?" Ethan yelled out into the phone. It was no use; the call was over.

Preview from tomorrow's episode: Will Marcel really walk away from Ethan again so soon after returning, or will he realise he is leaving behind a man who loves him more than anything? Also: Things get extremely emotional between Isabella and Stephanie!


© X_MEDIA 2009

Comments? Feel free to leave a comment below.

Ethan awakened, still fully dressed, laying atop his duvet, his bed still made. The phone, remained right next to his head on the pillow as it had been the night before. How sweet it had been to fall asleep to the sound of Marcel; an experience he had not had in such a long time. The sound of his breathing, his light snore as he had drifted away into slumber, had comforted Ethan, and made him feel safe, and cared for. This man, the only man Ethan had ever truly loved, had once again returned to him. He could not believe that finally, after all this time, his lover and partner for life had come back to him. He had hoped and prayed that this day would come, but it had seemed so far away, he could not fathom it ever happening; yet somehow, here they were. The fates could not keep them apart. It was destiny that had brought them back together. They were one, as they had always been, and both of them knew that. Without each other, neither man could possibly be complete. "Marcel?" Ethan said into the phone, expecting to hear a response. There was silence. Looking over at his side table, Ethan noticed that there was a message waiting for him. Looking at the screen, his eyes still blurry as he struggled to wake up, there was a message from Marcel!

"Baby, I've had to go into the office. I can not tell you how happy I am to be back together. I left the call on, so the disconnected line wouldn't wake you up. I will call you as soon as I get home. I love you". Ethan's face beamed as a huge smile grew across his face. He was so excited; his life finally seemed to be coming together. Once again, he had the only thing that ever made him happy back: Marcel. Grabbing his towel, Ethan walked to the washroom and stepped into the shower. It was going to be a beautiful day.

Victoria sat at the bus terminal downtown, waiting for the morning transit service to start. She had left the bar at closing, and missed any hope of transportation home. As she sat there, surrounded by an eerily silent downtown London, she could see the beginnings of a new day, as a slight hint of colour and light began to form to the east. The air was thick with humidity, and there was a strange silence about the town. It was not often she would find herself out at this hour, especially alone. As the effects of the alcohol were beginning to wane, she could feel that profound sense of emptiness returning within her. It had not been filled during her night at the bar, as she was aware, but she had been blissfully numb, and this had consoled her. A figure slowly approached her, the first light of the morning shining behind him. She could not make out his face, only a shadow of a man growing ever closer. She reached into her purse, and bringing out a cigarette she lit it, trying her best to ignore the figure coming toward her. She did not want to meet anyone; no, she wanted to be left alone. Her mind spinning, her emotions so close to exploding it was nearly impossible to keep them all within, she simply wanted time to herself. "Excuse me", the man said, now standing right before her, "do you know what time the first buses should be arriving?"

"In half an hour" Victoria replied coldly.

"Oh, I'm a bit early then. Would it be possibly to borrow a cigarette?" Without answering, Victoria reached into her bag, and passed the man a cigarette. He had intensely deep brown eyes, becoming more visible now, as the light continued to grow on the horizon. "I'm Peter", the man said, extending his hand.

"Victoria", she replied, extending her hand and shaking his hand.

"It's a real pleasure to meet you, Victoria, truly" the man said, as he sat down next to Victoria on the bench.

Ethan left the house, and began to jog up the street toward the pathway down the side of the cliffs. He was feeling exhilarated, energetic, and alive for the first time in months. As he made his way down the steep winding path toward the shores of Lake Ontario, his ipod playing songs to motivate him, his mind was half way around the world with Marcel. It was finally going to happen for him, he thought to himself. After all that had happened; all the pain that the two had endured, finally, there would be a happy ending for he and Marcel. Things had not been easy, in fact, things could not have been much more difficult. But knowing now that the dreams he had; the dreams he and Marcel had created together would one day reach fruition, things were finally falling into place. There was a part of Ethan, deep within him, that was still frightened, and wondered what would happen if Marcel were to revert back to his old ways. This was not something he wanted to consider, but given the way things had been previously, this was not a concern he could simply ignore. He was certainly not having second thoughts about being with Marcel, but he was deciding firmly, that they would have to proceed slowly. They could not simply rush back into what they had before; trying to pick up the relationship as they had left it. This would have to be a fresh start, built on a whole new foundation. If they were to try to recreate what the had before, the result would most certainly be the same. Ethan sat down on a rock, just barely half a metre from the waves crashing against the shore. The humidity was unbearable, and he wanted to rest for a moment, and disappear into thought. He was so happy to have Marcel back in his life, but he needed to decide once and for all how to proceed. There had to be boundaries, and time to put the pieces back together. His heart was still damaged, and would need to heal, before being able to simply love as he had before.

Victoria laughed loudly, as she listened to Peter's story about his evening. He was so easy to talk to, and had a great sense of humour. He had been driving home from work, when his car had suddenly stalled on the side of the road. With no service stations open nearby, he had been forced to call a tow truck, and now was awaiting a bus to return him home. His description of the evening was quite amusing. Where most men would be infuriated, Peter seemed to be able to see the humour int he situation, and it was a great distraction for Victoria from the empty feeling within her. As the first buses began to pull into the terminal, Victoria was relieved to hear that Peter would be taking the same bus as her. She was enjoying his company, and did not want the conversation to end. He was, seemingly, a great guy. Attractive, funny, down to earth, and it would seem, drama free. This was a massive relief to her, since her world had been so insane lately. As more buses continued to pull into the station, people began arriving to start their day. From a quiet intimate conversation, the bus platforms had turned into a bustling transit hub, full of commuters. Peter looked over at Victoria, a large smile across his face. "What do you have planned for this morning?" he asked.

"Just going home, probably do some laundry and go to sleep" Victoria responded.

"It's my day off", Peter said nervously. "I really don't mean this to sound strange, and I apologise if it does; I am enjoying talking to you. Would you like to maybe go to a coffee shop, and talk a while longer?" Victoria was silent for a moment. This was such a strange situation. Meeting a man, at the moment she least wanted to; considering going for coffee with a total stranger. She didn't know how to respond. Without even having a chance to think of an answer, her lips opened and a single word came out.

"Yes".

Arriving home, Ethan raced into his room, to see if Marcel had sent him any messages on his mobile. He was elated to see his phone flashing, and could not pick it up fast enough. "Baby, I'll be leaving work shortly. Will you be home in an hour or so? I'd love to talk to you". Ethan beamed as he read this. He was almost expecting to wake up any moment, and for this to all be a dream. But it was not. This was real, and it was wonderful. Responding to Marcel, Ethan wrote:

"I'll be here baby. I can't wait to hear your voice". It was the strangest feeling; it were almost as if the hands of time had been turned back, and things were back to as they had been in the beginning. Ethan could not help but think back to just a while ago, as he had sat on that rock. He had to be careful; this had to be taken slowly. If he and Marcel rushed into this, it could spell disaster for both of them. All this aside, Ethan still wanted, more than anything, to get back together with Marcel, and he was fully prepared to open himself up; allow himself to be vulnerable, but in time. His only fear, was that Marcel would not want that, and again it could cause disaster. For something so simple; for two people who loved each other so much, to be together, it felt so complicated. Indeed, it was. These two had seen heaven on earth. They had also seen hell, and everything else in between. No relationship can possibly be perfect all the time, this was a given. Knowing that, it certainly did seem that the pain they had been through together, and separately, was extremely disproportionate to the joy. Ethan hoped, with ever part of his soul, that this time, they could make it right. Living without Marcel was torture, and living with Marcel as he self destructed was even worse. Could they ever be happy? Would the fates allow it? Only time would answer this. Sitting at his desk, reading the news to pass the time, Ethan anxiously awaited the call. The call which could change everything.

Preview from tomorrow's episode: Ethan's fears prove true, as something is amiss with Marcel. Also: Isabella gets a call that nothing could have prepared her for!


© X_MEDIA 2009

Comments? Feel free to leave a comment below.

There was a long and awkward pause on the line from both Ethan and Marcel. Ethan was in complete shock at what he had just heard. Marcel wanted to marry him, and be the partner that Ethan dreamed of? This was all that Ethan had ever wanted, but something didn't feel right. How could they possibly move on after all that had happened? It wasn't even a matter of Ethan simply feeling detached because of the time they had spent apart; no, it was so much more than that. He had heard those very words from Marcel so many times before. Promises of forever, promises of eternal love and passion that would never fade, and promises that Marcel would get himself sorted out. With each of these promises, not only had they gone unfulfilled, but over time Marcel seemed to get worse with each passing day. Was Ethan really ready to go down that road again? With his own life crumbling from its very foundation, could he stand and round of drama with Marcel? At the same time, could he afford not to pursue something if Marcel was offering it? Ethan truly believed that he and Marcel were soul mates; how could he turn away the only man he had ever loved so much? This was all so unexpected, and happening so quickly. The more Ethan processed all of this in his mind, the more he became confused. Why had Marcel just told him that he had slept with other men? This made Ethan feel not only jealous, but somewhat angered. The thought of Ethan sleeping with anyone else, while he was still in love with Marcel made him ill. How could Marcel do the same thing in reverse? With the silence almost becoming painful, Ethan felt he needed to say something. "After all that's happened; after all you've put me through, I just don't know that there is still the potential for that with us" Ethan said, trying not to sound emotional. "A part of me loves you, and always will, but like I told you, I don't even know which 'you' is the real one. I do not want to fall into your trap and wind up hurt again, you've already taken so much from me".

Victoria walked along the river through downtown London, on her way to a bar to clear her head and have a drink to relax. The temperature and humidity were still rising, creating a thick layer of fog. As she walked through, she felt as if the weather were mocking her emotions. This was how life seemed to her: looking forward through a fog, able to see where she was going, but through a haze of confusion. Her views of most everything seemed to be distorted, as she struggled to make sense of the mess she found herself in. As she walked, she paused for a moment, looking at a familiar sight. A spot of the river's edge so fresh in her mind, it was shocking. Her mind flashed back to the dream she had months ago, and it all came rushing back to her. Falling down the embankment, struggling against the strong current and freezing temperature of the water. Looking back toward shore to see both Dimitri and James standing there, and not knowing which one to choose as she wanted each of them to be right man for her; the one she could share her life with. Now, with both of them in the past, she had come to realise that neither of them loved her in the way she needed to be loved. She could remember vividly the feeling of being love sick for both of these men, yet not receiving the passion she needed in return, and now in this moment, wondered what was worse. Was it worse to be falling for two men, torn in each direction, knowing there would not be a happy ending with either; or, was it worse to be completely alone as she was now? She was not content then, nor was she content now. Was she capable of being happy? Was there something so flawed about her, as to consistently draw in men which were either incapable or unwilling to commit to her, and love her as she deserved? Staring blankly ahead at the swiftly moving water, she was engrossed in thought. She needed to leave this spot, yes; she needed to get to the bar and relax over a few drinks. As she lit a cigarette and prepared to continue walking, a hand reached out and rested on her shoulder. Victoria jumped at the touch, as a voice said softly: "hello Victoria".

Ethan lay in his bed, looking up at the ceiling, the phone pressed to his ear. Marcel tried to explain to Ethan why things had happened as they had. The way his father had belittled him, the way he had felt so insecure due to the shocking end of his previous relationship, and the way that he had felt so threatened at the vulnerability he had experienced by opening up to Ethan. The fact that he had fallen so deep in love, felt things he never believed he would feel for anyone, and his inability to deal with these new found emotions. Ethan, growing more confused as he listened, was being less and less sure what to do. Hearing these words, he felt a great sense of pity for Marcel. He loved him, even still, and wanted so badly to be able to help him get past these reservations, and begin a new and beautiful life - together. History, though, told Ethan that any attempt to help Marcel, would prove futile, and destroy him in the process. It seemed to Ethan, that Marcel had a self destruct button which he pressed on a regular basis. When Marcel would self destruct, it did not just destroy himself, but everyone close to him as well. Was Ethan really ready to take this risk again, in hopes that they could regain the passion and fire that they once had? Ethan struggled to find anything to say back to Marcel, so he simply remained silent and listened to the words coming from Marcel's mouth. Words from the only voice his heart could ever understand. "Baby, I know I hurt you a lot, and I know it's insane to think that you would ever get back with me. But I am still so in love with you. I've been with other men, yes, and I have tried so hard to leave you behind. But when I climb into bed at night, it's your name in my heart. It's Ethan I want by my side. Your love could have saved me last year, but I could not accept it, with where I was in my life. You were, in every way, all that a partner ever could be. I really hope we can give things another try together. You're the love of my life, and always will be..."

Victoria turned around with a start, and could not believe who she saw! "Dimitri?" she said, completely stunned. Was she hallucinating? No, he was very much there. But why? How? What would possibly bring him here at this hour?

"How have you been?" Dimitri asked.

"Fine, how are you?" Victoria responded, coldly.

"I'm okay; I'm just on my way to go see a friend. Decided to walk along the river since it's so nice tonight".

"Yes, it is nice tonight."

"Look, Victoria, I'm really sorry things didn't work out between us. You look really great".

"Thanks".

"Well, I guess I should get going; I don't want to be late"

"Okay, see you" Victoria answered as Dimitri disappeared into the fog just as quickly as he appeared. What were the chances of him showing up just then? Was this a sign? Her emotions, and thoughts began to process rapidly. Her responses to him had been so cold. Was she truly over him enough to want him to leave her be? Or, was she simply projecting a wall of ice to protect herself from appearing hurt and vulnerable? Turning the opposite way from Dimitri, Victoria began to walk again. This random encounter had thrown her into a massive confusion. Their relationship, still fresh in her mind, haunted her, as she tried to figure out just how she felt. She had fallen for Dimitri fast, and she had fallen hard. She had come to believe that Dimitri was actually a man that she might, after all, be able to spend her life with; but, as was the case so many times for her, it had ended abruptly and painfully. And now this; it seemed as if the God's were playing a vicious joke with her emotions. As she approached a corner pub, she walked in, trying to conceal the emotions active within her. Sitting down at the bar, she motioned the bartender over. "Whiskey and coke please, and make it a double".

Ethan felt himself getting emotional. His barrier was quickly cracking, and he could no longer bury what he was feeling inside. Tears began to freely flow down his cheeks, as he listened to Marcel describe everything he wanted in life with Ethan. Moving to Toronto, marriage, building a life and home together. Falling asleep in each other's arms as they once did. Making love, with a fire and passion few could relate to. These words... This voice... It reached the very depths of Ethan soul, and with each passing phrase was breaking him down. How could he turn down something he wanted with every fibre of his being? His love for Marcel had never ended, not even so much as paused. If anything, it had only grown stronger, and he had been forced to experience the emptiness that was his life, without the man he loved. Ethan walked toward the washroom, still intently listening to each word Marcel was saying. Opening his medicine cabinet, he began to mix something to calm his nerves, and numb the anxiety he was feeling inside. He was feeling extremely overwhelmed, as he tried to process everything that was being said to him. Returning to his room, he laid down once again on the bed. It was time to tell Marcel the truth. "Marcel, I love you. I have never stopped loving you. All I have wanted from the time we fell in love, was to build a life with you. You are my soul mate, my other half, and I cannot fight what I am feeling. Yes, I want to give things another try with us. But, it cannot be as it was before. I don't want to get hurt again. I want the Marcel I fell in love with, and tonight, listening to you, I believe he is here. Let me share your world with you. The good, the bad, everything. No more secrets, barriers, withdrawn periods. If we are to share our lives, we need to share our lives. It's all or nothing, baby. And after listening to you tonight, and listening to my heart, I am fully prepared to give my all."

"Oh, baby..." Marcel responded, a sense of relief in his voice.

"I want to be your Ethan, only yours, pour tout la vie."

Preview from Tomorrow's episode: It's as if the clock has been turned back for Ethan and Marcel. It's pure bliss, but can it last? Also: Victoria has a chance encounter that could change everything!


© X_MEDIA 2009

Comments? Feel free to leave a comment below.

A warm and humid air mass swept across southern Ontario. The sky, thick with haze, became illuminated with exceptional colouring as the sun began its daily ascent into the sky. Victoria, thoroughly exhausted, sat aboard the coach nearing ever closer to London. Her trip away was over, at last, and soon she would be at home. She could not believe how disappointing the previous two days had been. This man, one she so comfortably had sat up all night chatting with online, had turned out to be far less than an ideal mate for her. In fact, he wasn't even appropriate material for a friend. It had been alarming to her, to find a man who cared so little for himself, that he would allow such significant neglect to his body and soul. His teeth, nearly missing in full, his body so thin and malnourished that he appeared almost as a skeleton. His eyes were completely lifeless, though it seemed his heart still functioned. He had commented on how beautiful Victoria was, and how he believed he was in love with her. Realistically, Victoria knew that this man did not love her, but still on some level, hearing those words had been a strange reassurance. What was meant to be a simple meeting on her day off of work, had turned into a two day ordeal. Both trains, and coaches, had been solidly booked the day she was to return. She had found herself stranded in a strange town, with little choice but to remain with this man until she was able to find suitable transportation home. Her mobile phone, having lost its charge in full, had left her isolated from the world. She had no idea of the concerns her family, and Ethan had felt. It had been strangely relaxing to have had time away from her family, away from London, but deep within her, as the skyline began to become visible ahead of her, she was relieved to see it. She was home.

Ethan's phone began to ring, gradually bringing him out of his unconscious state, and into reality. He struggled to fight the fog currently consuming his mind, as he struggled to locate the handset on the side table. Once finding it, Ethan answered with a groggy "hello". It was Victoria! She explained to Ethan what had happened, and apologised for having caused him any concern. She informed Ethan that she had talked to Kathy already, and that all was well. She asked how Ethan how he was doing. Ethan was struggling to piece together sentences that make sense. He told Victoria that he had been quite down lately, but did not go into detail about his recent return to concoctions of sedatives and narcotics. This door, to everyone had been closed, and was now simply a part of Ethan's history; and it had been, for a while. Victoria inquired if he was still using cocaine, to which he honestly responded that he was not. He explained to her once more, that this had simply been to put his mind at ease over what this substance which had torn Marcel away from him had felt like. She replied that she understood, and the topic was closed. The two continued to talk, with Ethan now out of bed and in the kitchen making a coffee. He struggled to bring himself to be more alert. The dosage he had taken the night before had been a lesser strength than the previous day, however, traces of it still lingered in his system. As their conversation came to a close, they told each other that they loved one another, and the call was ended. Ethan stepped outside with his coffee, and lit a cigarette. The sun burned as it shone into Ethan's eyes. Where once Ethan could have seen the beauty of the morning sun, now, it was nearly blinding. He was not right, and he knew this. Something was very wrong with him, and all of the narcotics in the world would not help him. They would only delay the inevitable realisation reality, and made time pass more quickly in the interim. Sipping his coffee, his eyes finally beginning to adjust to the brightness. A new day had indeed begun; the question now, was: what would he do with it?

After facing Kathy, Victoria promptly retreated to her bedroom. Her emotions, a jumbled mess after the experience she just had, created a profound feeling of confusion within her. Since the loss of Dimitri, a large part of Victoria seemed to be missing. She wasn't sure if this was in fact due to Dimitri no longer being a part of her life, or if this feeling was interchangeable. Could it simply be the fact that she did not have a partner any longer, or was this truly a longing for Josh which consumed her? She was unsure what she had been seeking going to another city to meet a man. Was she seeking a new love, to fill this void which she now felt? Had she been in search of proof that no man could stand up to Dimitri? So many questions, all with seemingly no answer. Did any of this even matter? Looking around her room, it almost seemed different from when she had left. It was a very strange sensation indeed. Everything, exactly in its place, just as it has always been. Somehow, however, everything seemed different. Her mobile phone, resting on the side table next to the bed would once be sounding frequently with text messages from Dimitri, now rested as before, but silent. Her clothes, neatly hanging in her closet didn't seem to call to her as they had before. She had always taken such care to pick the perfect outfit for each time she saw Dimitri. There was no no reason to choose such an ensemble. There had been so many men since her engagement to Philippe had ended, she had never had much of an opportunity to feel alone. In fact, for quite a while, the situation was the complete opposite: which man to choose? Now, however, the tide had truly turned for her, and it was time to rediscover the person which should matter most to her: herself.

Ethan found himself atop the cliffs; a familiar and comforting setting. He could not believe the beauty of the scenery surrounding him. The water, sparkling in the sunlight as a soft breeze blew over it. This was the first time in months that he had been able to see the good in anything. His world had been a very dark place, one which he had great difficulty escaping from. It was incredible how something as simple as the majesty of nature on a summer's day, could cause this mood to lift, even temporarily. His head now fully cleared from the fog which had consumed him for the previous few days, he was able to absorb and enjoy all that his senses were experiencing. A group of sailboats were passing, making their way west toward downtown and the many harbours there. The sun still somewhat high in the sky, was slowly making its way downward, preparing to bring another day to a close. The gardens in the park, in full bloom, filled the air with a heavenly scent that both relaxed and invigorated. Ethan still found his body feeling quite weak, from what he had put it through recently. Taking one last look at the scene before him, Ethan turned around, and began to walk home. As he walked along, he noticed a vibration in his pocket. Glancing at the screen of his phone, he could not believe what he saw. A number he knew above all others; Marcel's.

Staring blankly for a moment, Ethan struggled with his thoughts on whether he should answer the call or not. It had been months since he had any contact with Marcel. What could he possibly want? Taking another draw from his cigarette, Ethan could not help but answer. The voice on the other end of the line was so familiar, so comforting, it spoke not only in words, but in a language that only Ethan's heart could possibly understand. Marcel stated his intentions clearly, telling Ethan how his mind had been unable to let go of memories and conversations they had in the past. Ethan stood nearly frozen as he tried his best to process what he was hearing. Marcel continued and began to describe the empty feeling he felt inside without Ethan. Ethan could relate, in so many ways, though he would never dare admit that to Marcel. He had to be strong in this; he had to show that he had been able to move forward after a relationship which had ended much like a bad made-for-television movie. It was a lie; a complete fabrication to hide the truth which would expose Ethan's vulnerability. "I haven't been able to date anyone since you, it wouldn't have felt right" Marcel said. "I've been with men, strictly physically, but I cannot bring myself to try to feel anything for someone else when I still love you". Ethan remained silent listening to this. What message was it that Marcel was trying to send? Why bring up other men he had been involved with sexually? Was this an attempt to see if Ethan would grow jealous? Was he trying to break down the walls which were clearly surrounding Ethan? Marcel began to describe in grand detail how much he had changed since the last time the two spoke. He tried his best to create vivid memories of the way he had been when they first met, hoping Ethan would remember how perfect they had been together, and open up to him. To this point, Ethan had not even said a single word. He had been missing Marcel like mad recently, and should be overjoyed that Marcel had finally contacted him. If this was so, why did everything feel wrong?

"Marcel, I loved you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I don't know if I will ever feel that kind of love with anyone again" Ethan said. He continued: "The vision I have in my mind of the partner I want to share a life with, is drastically different from what I experienced with you. I have seen so many versions of you, I don't even know which one is 'you' at this point. I need a relationship that is stable, and comforting; a partner that will always be by my side. I want to marry someone that when I wake up every morning excited to be next to him, not dreading what news I will receive that day". There was a long pause after Ethan finished saying his piece.

After waiting several moments, Marcel replied to Ethan's feelings: "It hurts me to hear you say that you don't know who I am, but I can't blame you, there have been times I didn't know who I was either. Baby, you need to understand that I am back to myself now, and want to make things right. I want to be that husband you described; I love you".

Preview from tomorrow's episode: Ethan and Marcel find themselves talking all through the night. Will this pave the way to a reconciliation, or a final closure? Also: Victoria meets someone new! Could there be potential?


© X_MEDIA 2009

Comments? Feel free to leave a comment below.